Let’s take a stroll down the hall of fame of utterly pointless scientific studies—because apparently, everything needs to be studied, even if the outcome is as obvious as “People get cold in winter.” Every year, millions are spent to confirm things that a toddler could tell you, all under the guise of “scientific research.” Look, I get it. Science is supposed to be about pushing boundaries and discovering the unknown, but somewhere along the line, someone thought, “Hey, should we see if cheese is addictive?” and then actually did it. So, let’s break down some of the most absurd studies that make you wonder if humanity should just collectively quit while we’re behind.
“Do People Like Their Coffee Hot?”
Bravo, Sherlock! You’ve cracked the case wide open. Thank goodness for this study, or else I’d still be walking into coffee shops asking for a piping hot glass of water. Scientists really took time to confirm that people—brace yourself—prefer their coffee hot instead of cold sludge. Amazing. What’s next? Do people like their ice cream frozen? Is sunshine bright? Stay tuned!
“Is Eating Chocolate Emotionally Satisfying?”
Someone really got paid to figure out whether eating chocolate makes people feel good. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but duh. Unless you’re a monster, chocolate is basically happiness in edible form. But no, they had to prove it with data because, I guess, the millions of people smiling as they scarf down a Snickers bar didn’t provide enough evidence.
“Do Fish Recognize Faces?”
So, a team of researchers put in work to see if fish can recognize faces. Why? Are fish planning a heist? Does my pet goldfish have a secret hit list of people it hates? What practical use does this information serve, other than making everyone collectively comatose?
“Why Do Babies Drool?”
Uh, because they’re babies? Seriously, that’s it. They’re tiny, uncoordinated humans still trying to figure out why their hands are attached to their bodies. But go ahead, research team, run those drool tests.
“Can Vegetables Make You Happy?”
Not unless they’re deep-fried and served with Thousand Island dressing. And even then, you’re mostly happy because it’s not just a vegetable at that point. Next question.
“Why Do Some People Hate Cheese?”
Here’s a hint: because they’re wrong, and their taste buds are broken. Cheese is practically a universal delight. But nope, they had to pour money into figuring out why some sad, confused people don’t like it.
“Can People Walk Backwards?”
So that’s why I see people trip over themselves when they try to moonwalk! Thanks for clearing that up. We needed a study to know that walking backwards is harder than walking forwards. Earth-shattering stuff.
“Why Do Humans Sleep?”
So you mean it’s not just because I’m bored of being awake all the time? Thank you, science, for stating the bleeding obvious. What’s next, a study on why we breathe?
“Is Yawning Contagious?”
Wow, I was clueless until this came along! Yawning is totally contagious? Next thing you’ll tell me is sneezing spreads germs. How innovative!
“Are Expensive Placebos More Effective Than Cheap Ones?”
Yup, people think they feel better when they take fake medicine that costs more. I’m stunned. Human stupidity truly knows no bounds.
So, there you have it—ten studies that prove one thing: we have too much time and too much money being wasted on proving the obvious. Next time someone complains about a lack of research funding, just point them to these masterpieces. I’d suggest they do a study on why I’m perpetually exasperated, but I think we already know the answer: because of studies like these. Namaste.
