Disclaimer
If you’re here to learn how to make a good impression on a first date, let me save you some time: you’re screwed. No amount of advice can mask whatever quirks, anxieties, and bad haircut decisions have brought you to this point. But since you’re clearly a masochist for even wanting to read this, let’s dive into some “helpful” strategies that might make your date forget about running to the nearest exit.
Step 1. Dress Like You’re Not Actively Trying To Ruin Their Night
Look, first dates are basically an audition where you hope someone decides not to ghost you afterward. So, the bare minimum is to look like you can function in society without a legal guardian. You don’t have to roll in like a fashion model, but also, for the love of all things holy, don’t wear that faded band T-shirt you’ve been living in since college. And yes, I’m talking to you. The one thinking, “But I’m just being myself!” No, you’re not. You’re being your future lonely self. Find something clean, wrinkle-free, and preferably not held together by safety pins. It’s called effort. Look it up.
2. Conversation – Make Words Happen, Just Not Dumb Ones
Here’s a hot tip: don’t launch into your “Top 10 Reasons Why Pineapple Belongs on Pizza” rant unless you’re aiming for instant celibacy. Also, for the love of karma, do not talk about your ex. If you find yourself saying, “My ex used to…” just know your date is mentally summoning an Uber. Stick to light, fun topics, and avoid anything that makes you sound like a conspiracy theorist or a Reddit troll. Ask them questions. Listen to their answers. Or at least do a convincing job of pretending to listen. See? It’s easy to be slightly less unbearable.
Step 3. Be On Time, Or Just Don’t Bother Showing Up
Yeah, I know. Time is a construct. We’re all free spirits. But showing up late to a date is like saying, “I value you less than my inability to manage basic human functions.” Being on time, or even—gasp—a few minutes early, shows that you’re capable of basic adulting. Of course, if you’re determined to sabotage things from the start, feel free to show up fashionably late and enjoy the awkward silence that follows when you offer a half-assed apology.
Step 4. Order Food Like A Normal Person
Unless you’re aiming to impress them with your apparent lack of palate, avoid ordering the weirdest thing on the menu just because you think it makes you seem adventurous. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. No one’s turned on by your octopus-eggplant-kale fusion dish. Go with something you can pronounce, and for god’s sake, chew with your mouth closed. Also, if you’re a vegan, gluten-free, raw food enthusiast, just—look, maybe hold off until at least date two before you unleash that dietary chaos.
Step 5. Pretend To Be Interested, But Not Too Interested
Desperation is a great cologne—if you want to repel people. There’s a fine line between “showing genuine interest” and “planning our imaginary wedding in your head.” Lean back, relax, and keep the crazy at a simmer. Also, don’t be that person who’s too busy eyeing the bar or ogling the waiter. Yeah, you’re on a date. That means you’re temporarily committed to pretending the other person is the most interesting thing in the room. Fake it if you have to.
Final Thoughts: Screw It—Just Be Yourself (Within Reason)
Ultimately, your best bet is to be a slightly polished, marginally less disastrous version of yourself. If they like it, great. If not, well, they probably have bad taste anyway. First impressions are overrated. Second impressions are where the real disasters happen. So, good luck and…Namaste.
