Disclaimer: Look, if you’re actually here to fix your finances, go find a real guide. This isn’t it. Follow these steps, and you’ll end up broke, miserable, and probably begging your parents for a loan. Don’t come crying to me when debt collectors are banging down your door. This is a guide for people who’ve already given up. If you haven’t, well, good luck—you’re gonna need it.
So, you want to organize your finances? Good for you. But instead of giving you a boring guide on how to actually manage your money, let’s flip it and talk about how to totally screw it up. Because let’s face it—if you’re here, chances are you’re already on the fast track to financial ruin. You’ve probably got a stack of unpaid bills you’re avoiding, an overdraft that’s starting to feel like your best friend, and no clue where your money’s actually going each month. So why not lean into it and perfect the art of financial failure? Here’s your step-by-step guide on how to make a total mess of your finances. Enjoy!
Step 1: Ignore Every Bill Until It Becomes an Urgent Crisis
Want to make sure you’re always stressed about money? Perfect. Then go ahead and completely ignore your bills. Don’t even bother opening them. Just let them pile up like a paper mountain of impending doom. This way, you can guarantee you’ll never know how much you owe, and you’ll only deal with it when you start getting those bright red FINAL NOTICE envelopes.
Bonus points if you keep telling yourself, “I’ll deal with it later,” until “later” turns into debt collectors calling you at all hours. Go on—bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away.
Step 2: Put Everything On Credit Like You’re Playing Monopoly
Why live within your means when you’ve got credit cards, right? Swipe away like the world’s going to end tomorrow. Want that new TV you can’t afford? Charge it. Need to treat yourself to a fancy dinner even though you’re barely scraping by? Throw it on the card. After all, future-you can worry about paying it back. And when that bill arrives, just make the minimum payment—because why not maximize those interest charges?
Step 3: Make A Budget And Immediately Ignore It
Let’s pretend you tried to be responsible and created a budget. Good job. Now, promptly forget it exists. Spend first, ask questions later. Blow your entire month’s grocery budget on a weekend bender because “you deserve it.” Max out your entertainment budget by buying every new streaming service just to keep up with those shows you don’t even like. Then, when you’re completely broke by the 10th of the month, freak out and wonder where all your money went.
Step 4: Never, Ever Save Anything. Ever.
Savings? Who needs it? It’s not like you’ll ever need money for emergencies, right? Your car will never break down, your health will always be perfect, and the roof will never leak. So go ahead and spend every single penny as soon as you get it.
And if you accidentally save a little? Great, now blow it on something impulsive so you can get back to that sweet, sweet feeling of living on the edge.
If you follow these steps, I guarantee you’ll achieve complete financial failure in record time. You’ll be broke, stressed, and totally clueless about where all your money went. But hey, at least you’ll have perfected the art of screwing up your finances, and that’s gotta count for something, right?
Namaste—and no, I won’t loan you money when you go broke. Figure it out yourself.
