You want to find love without stress? That’s adorable. Let me paint you a picture: love is like willingly signing up for a lifetime subscription to stress, sprinkled with a few fleeting moments of happiness. It’s like adopting a pet you can’t quite train, and that pet? Constantly finds new ways to make you question every life choice you’ve ever made.
But sure, let’s pretend finding love without stress is possible. Here are some highly ineffective, utterly impractical steps to follow:
1. Stop Looking. Like, Completely.
Just give up. Throw in the towel. If you’re not searching, you can’t be stressed about finding, right? It’s the ultimate lazy person’s solution. If you’re not looking, love might just find you when you’re minding your own business at the grocery store, or, more likely, when you’re in your sweatpants binge-watching some mediocre TV show.
2. Embrace Solitude Like It’s Your New Lover.
Why settle for real love when you can fall in love with solitude? Think about it: solitude won’t complain when you hog the blankets. It doesn’t care if you haven’t showered in three days. Plus, it won’t leave dirty dishes everywhere or ask you to meet its parents. Solitude is like love without all the expectations and the need for personal hygiene.
3. Set the Most Ridiculous Standards Ever.
Make sure your checklist for a partner is so absurd that no one will ever match up. They need to be fluent in ancient Sumerian? Must have a PhD in underwater basket weaving? Perfect. If no one can meet your standards, you’ll never have to deal with the stress of actually dating. It’s foolproof!
4. Hire a Matchmaker and Then Ignore Them.
Outsource your love life to someone else, and then do absolutely nothing with their advice. This way, you can say you tried but also never have to deal with the actual stress of meeting people. Best of both worlds, if you ask me.
5. Develop a Serious Relationship with a Houseplant.
Houseplants are basically the best lovers ever. They’re quiet, low-maintenance, and when they start to look sad, it’s usually because you forgot to water them, not because you forgot your anniversary. Stress-free love at its finest. Sure, people will think you’re weird, but when have you ever cared about that?
6. Find Love in Your Local Takeout Menu.
Love comes in many forms, and sometimes, it’s wrapped in paper and delivered in 30 minutes or less. Falling for your local takeout menu is probably the most dependable relationship you’ll ever have. Sure, your waistline might pay the price, but at least it won’t break your heart. Pizza has never ghosted anyone.
See? Easy, stress-free paths to love. Or, you know, you could just dive headfirst into the chaos and accept that love, like everything else in life, is an absolute mess. But hey, if you’re really lucky, you might find someone who makes the stress a little more bearable—assuming they can put up with you.
