1. Wake Up, Regret Every Decision That Led You Here
The day before Thanksgiving hits, and you open your eyes already knowing you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Your first thought is probably, Why didn’t I just say no this year? But no, you said yes. You signed yourself up for this annual exercise in torture. So now you’re here, already behind, knowing full well that you’re about to spend 12 hours getting absolutely nothing done.
2. Chug Coffee, Then Immediately Panic
First things first, you grab coffee because that’s all standing between you and a nervous breakdown. You take two sips before the realization sets in: you forgot something. Something critical. Maybe it’s the turkey, maybe it’s the pie crust, maybe it’s your will to live—either way, you’re screwed. Time to head to the grocery store, where everyone else with poor planning skills is also panic-shopping.
3. The Grocery Store
You step into the grocery store and immediately regret it. It’s packed. You can’t find a cart, and people are fighting over the last can of cranberry sauce like it’s a life-or-death situation. Hell is looking like a getaway vacation right now. You manage to elbow your way through the chaos, grab whatever’s left on the shelves (which is never what you need), and then stand in line for what feels like four hours, questioning whether humanity is worth saving. You’ll forget something, trust me, but you won’t realize it until you’re already home.
4. Thaw the Turkey? Right… Good Luck
If you’ve somehow remembered to buy the turkey, congratulations—you’re still screwed. It’s sitting there in your fridge looking like a mammoth still trapped in a piece of ice just unearthed from the last ice age, and it is mocking you. You should’ve started thawing it three days ago, but here you are, the day before Thanksgiving, running it under hot water like that’s going to make a difference. Pro tip: It won’t. Just accept the fact that tomorrow you’ll be serving turkey jerky and calling it “crispy” to save face.
5. Pretend You Can Cook
You’ve told yourself all week that you’re going to cook up some gourmet feast that’ll leave everyone speechless. Well, mission accomplished, because they will be speechless when they bite into your rock-hard rolls and mashed potatoes that somehow turned into glue. You’ll Google “easy Thanksgiving sides” and then proceed to screw up every single one of them because of course, you didn’t actually read the recipe, did you? You skimmed it. And now you’re paying the price.
6. Ask for Help, Realize You Live with Useless People
At some point, you’ll foolishly think, Hey, maybe I can delegate some of this. And then you’ll look around at the people in your house—the same people who can’t even load a dishwasher properly—and realize you’re on your own. Sure, your partner will “help” by folding napkins or chopping one onion at the speed of a snail, but any actual cooking? Forget it. The kids? They’re mysteriously “busy,” which is code for hiding because they know what’s coming.
7. Clean the House for No Reason
This is the part where you convince yourself the house needs to be spotless because, of course, nothing says “holiday cheer” like scrubbing the entire house down and dusting shelves that no one’s going to look at. The reality…everyone will dump their coats on the couch and track mud through the house anyway. But sure, go ahead and stress-clean. Maybe it’ll distract you from the existential crisis you’re having about why you signed up for this mess in the first place.
8. Forget Something Major
I don’t care how many lists you’ve made, how many times you checked them, you’re forgetting something. It’ll hit you at the worst possible time—probably when you’re in the middle of trying to mash potatoes or burn whatever casserole you decided was a good idea. You’ll rummage through the cabinets, hoping it magically appears, but nope—you’ll either have to go back to the store (oh, joy) or make do with some sketchy substitution that no one’s going to appreciate.
9. Wine Time, Because What Else Are You Gonna Do?
At some point, you’re going to hit the point of no return. Maybe it’s when the stuffing catches fire. Maybe it’s when you realize your pie filling looks like soup. Either way, it’s time for wine. You don’t need a glass—you need the bottle. Will wine solve anything? No. Will it make you care a little less that you’ve completely botched this day? Absolutely. So drink up, because tomorrow’s disaster is already waiting for you.
10. Collapse in a Heap of Regret
At the end of the day, you’ll collapse into bed, probably still covered in flour or butter, staring at the ceiling like a soldier who just made it through a war zone. You’ll wonder why you put yourself through this every year and vow to do things differently next time. But deep down, you know you won’t. You’ll wake up tomorrow, throw that turkey in the oven, and put on your best “grateful” face while serving a meal you barely survived cooking.
So, there you go. That’s how you “prepare” for Thanksgiving—the most exhausting, soul-sucking, overrated holiday where we all pretend we’re thankful for everything except, you know, the actual work involved. Good luck.
