Election Day—the day when you’re supposed to exercise your “civic duty” while exercising your patience with every news channel in existence. The November 2024 presidential election is here, and you’re wondering what kind of diet and workout routine you need to survive it. Look at you, planning ahead. Adorable! But let me stop you right there. This is Election Day, not a wellness retreat. You’re not finding peace—you’re finding the nearest screen to doomscroll.
Part 1: The “Election Day Survival” Diet
Morning: Caffeine And Desperation Smoothie
You’re going to need a solid breakfast to start off the circus. And by “solid,” I mean the liquid gold of the gods: coffee. Let’s face it, you’re not waking up early to meditate on a decision. You’re up to see which states opened their polls, like some kind of neurotic early bird. So, throw a pot of coffee on, but let’s add a twist. Blend up a “Caffeine and Desperation Smoothie”:
Ingredients:
3 cups of coffee, 1 banana (for fake nutrition), a handful of spinach (because you want to feel like you’re trying), plus a scoop of protein powder, because pretending to be healthy counts for something, right?”.
Instructions:
Blend it all together while you stare blankly at the news ticker on TV. Pour it into a large mug that says, “This is Fine.”
Enjoy your caffeinated breakfast shake with a side of doomscrolling. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day—especially when it’s full of caffeine to fuel your impending Election Day rage.
Mid-Morning Snack: “Whatever, I’m Just Eating My Feelings”
Around mid-morning, you’ll start feeling the first twitches of election stress. Maybe your state results are looking “interesting,” a word politicians use when they want to avoid saying “complete dumpster fire.” So, what do you reach for? Something that’s a solid metaphor for how you’re feeling: half a bag of chips. Salt, carbs, crunch—all the things your nerves need. Throw in a piece of fruit, if only to remind yourself you had noble intentions at some point.
Lunch: The “I Can’t Even” Salad
Time to fool yourself into thinking you’re keeping it together. Here’s where you make the most ridiculous salad ever. Think leafy greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes—the usual suspects. But then absolutely drown it in ranch dressing. Add grilled chicken if you have it. If not, it’s fine; this salad is just a pretense to feel like you’re making “healthy choices” amidst the chaos. As you eat, keep refreshing the results page every 15 seconds. Because who needs calm digestion, right?
Afternoon Snack: “Mindless Munching Mix”
By now, your stomach is as twisted as your political beliefs, so let’s go for trail mix. Grab a mix of nuts, dried fruits, and chocolate pieces. Sure, it’s a decent snack with nutrients and protein, but you know what you’re really here for—the chocolate. It’s a small reprieve from the stress and just the right amount of self-sabotage to keep you from feeling too virtuous.
Dinner: “Screw It, Just Order Pizza”
It’s the grand finale of the day, so why pretend anymore? Order a large pizza. Yes, large. Extra cheese, extra toppings—whatever makes you feel like you’ve got a tiny bit of control. You need comfort food because Election Night is essentially the Super Bowl of anxiety. Also, pizza is basically its own food group on days like this. Pair it with your favorite drink (alcoholic or not, I’m not judging… much).
Part 2: The “Election Day Stress Buster” Workout Routine
Now that you’ve stuffed yourself full of nonsense, let’s talk workouts. Not that you’ll be doing anything productive with that anxiety bubbling under the surface, but let’s pretend you’re going to exercise today. Here’s a “routine” you can try:
1. The Wake-Up Stretch (5 Minutes)
- Roll out of bed.
- Reach for the ceiling as if you’re grasping for hope that today won’t be a total trainwreck.
- Drop your hands and shake your head. Perfect, you’ve mastered the art of waking up on Election Day
2. The News Lunge (10 Minutes)
- Find the nearest screen showing election coverage.
- Lunge forward with one leg, while holding your phone or remote in your hands.
- Scroll or change channels between lunges, alternating legs. Feel that burn? That’s both your thighs and your blood pressure.
3. The Doomscroll Squats (10 Minutes)
- Stand with feet shoulder-width apart, holding your phone.
- As you squat down, scroll through social media updates.
- Stand up, and release a deep, frustrated sigh. Repeat until you can’t take the negativity anymore.
4. The “Why Bother” Plank (5 Minutes)
- Get into a plank position.
- Hold for as long as it takes for you to question why you even bother exercising on a day like this.
- Collapse onto the floor and accept that you’re doing the best you can.
Conclusion: Surviving With Style (or Not)
There you have it: the ultimate Election Day diet and workout routine. Spoiler alert—you’ll still feel like a wreck by the end of the day, but at least you can say you made some attempt at balance. This is the one day where the sheer absurdity of it all might just be enough to distract you from your fitness goals.
So, eat that pizza, lunge to the news, and embrace the chaos. Because aiming for a perfect diet and workout routine on Election Day? That’s as ridiculous as thinking your vote will make it through the recounts without some added drama. Namaste.
